One of the more known aspects of Autism is our proclivity towards special interests. Special interests are amazing. The joy that I get from my special interests is very hard to explain. There are things that I like, which I suspect, create a similar feeling that the things a neurotypical person like instills in them. But the difference between the things I like and my special interests is a lot. I mean, A LOT. That is not what this is about though. There are also things that I call my special disinterests. There are things that I just cannot find the energy, or ability, to learn about or tackle. It does not mean that I hate my special disinterests as much as I love my special interests, however. It just means that I cannot find interest in them. I am disinterested. Completely and totally.
This website is an example of a special disinterest. I mean the mechanics of the site, not the content. I feel that the content of this site could easily become a special interest (I do not think it would surpass photography, but there is definitely potential that they can work together forming an ultra-mega-primary-special-interest!). I am not able to make this site look like I wanted it to look. As it is, it was very difficult for me to get it where it is. The process of building the site just did not click with me. Yes, I could have spent time trying to learn how to do things but I have zero interest in doing that and I do not believe it would work. My special interests all come easy to me. I do not have to work to understand them. Like photography, it is just something I understand and want to learn more. Website design, however, I just cannot understand and do not want to learn. So, I never will learn it. Luckily, I am able to do enough to produce what you see now. It is not great, but it is at least functional.
When something is a special disinterest, I know that I will never be able to “get it” no matter how much I may think I want to. Music has always been a special interest to me, but just listening to it. I have no ability to understand or create music. When I was younger, I tried to learn. I even took lesson for bass guitar for a time. Until my instructor told me to stop. The guy I was paying to spend time to teach me decided that it was just not worth it. That sounds a lot harsher than it actually was. He was a good guy, and very talented on the bass. During our lessons, he started teaching me theory, but it just would not stick. As a result, our lessons essentially amounted to him transcribing songs I brought in so that I could then play them.
He told me that my technique was great. When I knew what to play, I could play it. He told me that until I learned theory, however, there really was not anything more he could teach me. He was more than willing to continue transcribing songs for me but pointed out that it would be cheaper to just buy a tab book (I also cannot read music; I know what the notes are if I stop to think but reading quickly enough to sightread escapes me). He was not wrong. I could not grasp music theory. It is a special disinterest. Really, it is my primary special disinterest.
I have tried periodically to pull up a YouTube video on an “easy” way to understand music theory. But to no avail. It is frustrating. I love music and would love to be able to play and create music. It is not going to happen. I have learned to accept that. Which is why this website will never look how I wanted it to look. I have accepted that when I discover something is a special disinterest, it will always be a special disinterest. I have no choice but to accept it. I can be stubborn so it is possible for me to keep banging my head against that disinterested wall, but I will never break through. It does not mean that I am stupid because I cannot grasp something. There are plenty of things that I can grasp. It is much more enjoyable spending my time on special interests rather than trying to drop the “dis” from a special disinterest.