The Autistic brain processes sensory information very differently than a neurotypical brain. Often, this results in distress. All the senses are impacted, but, of course, everyone experiences different impacts. My most painful sensory issues are sound related. I will definitely rant about noises because noises are so very bothersome, even though some noises, like music (except country) are enjoyable. However, despite the joy that music can bring, far and away the best sensory experience I can have is visual.
For the most part, visual stimuli are not negative. I really dislike seeing clutter, but I think that is different and it is not the sight of clutter that is distressing. Knowing clutter exists bothers me even if I close my eyes and do not look at it. In a way, the range of experience with audio (from abysmally bad to the point of being unable to function through very pleasant to the point of inspiring dance-like movements) is also something I experience with visual stimuli. Except! And it is a very large exception. The range of visual experience is shifted, dramatically. Most of my visual experience is fairly neutral, while most of my auditory experience is fairly negative. The top end of auditory stimulation is really positive, while the top end of my visual experience is ineffable bliss.
Photography being my primary special interest is a chicken-and-egg situation. Do I love photography because of the visual euphoria, or do I get such an amazing experience looking at my images because they are the result of my special interest? I think it is the former. It seems that when experiencing things in real-time, images flicker through at such a speed that I do not have time to truly enjoy them (and I do not think people would be amenable to my asking them to stop while I take in the visual scene or if I just stare intently at them). Photography allows me to capture those fleeting moments so that I can look at them, study them, be enraptured by them. Part of the reason I am unsure though is that most images taken by others, while I certainly enjoy and appreciate, the number that bring me bliss is a much, much smaller percentage than my images. I call them my images, but it is very hard for me to accept credit for them. This is due in large part to the fact that if I take credit for something positive my brain does, I have to accept blame for the negative things. It is not my fault that landscapers can send me into shutdown so how can it be my fault that the images I create send me into bliss?
Although I may have some vague idea on lighting or concept when shooting with a model, I have absolutely no pre-conceived ideas when I shoot nature stuff. They just happen. In any case, my photography is really just about finding the pretty. Whether it is a model, a flower, or a wisp of smoke, I find the beauty. Rather than starting with something in mind, I play around with tweaking the image and composition until it hits my visual stimulation sweet spot. When I hit that sweet spot, holy moly! The feeling is so intense. I enjoyed editing images before, but now that I have embraced how I am, it is so much better. I wish I could explain, or even better, instill the experience in others (though I do selfishly enjoy to some degree that it is just mine). The best I can come up with really is that it is pure unadulterated bliss. When I am editing, it just feels so good. Often I have to bounce around and/or do dance-like movements (now that I no longer listen to the self-mask and stop myself). When I finish the edits from a shoot and do my review of all the edited images, I have never experienced such joy as that. As far as comparisons go, on a scale of one to ten, if that pleasure is a ten, an orgasm would be a three, three and an eighth. (Not that there is any sexual component to my experience with images. Even ones that others might consider “sexy” that is just not a factor for me. Every aspect of my photography for me is, for lack of a better word, wholesome.)
Yet another reason I am so upset with my self-mask is because of the sheer joy I deprived myself. I do not know why bouncing around in my chair as I edit adds to the joy, but it does. While I was following my self-mask dictates, I stopped myself. I do understand why that was so debilitating since instead of allowing myself to just be my true self, I spent energy curtailing my enjoyment. Not only was that curtailing costly in terms of energy required, but it also made the overall experience worse by limiting my joy. That is why I feel so strongly about raising understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity. While harmful stimming or behaviors need to be redirected, it is truly vile for someone (even if that someone was me) to make an Autistic person feel shame about stimming or other behaviors. I have many challenges as an Autistic person, but there are many positives as well (I do not think that it is much different between anyone, neurotypical or neurodiverse).
Before I started learning to accept me for me, in total, my sensory issues were a big driver of my depression. Dealing with sounds was bad, but knowing that others did not have to deal with those problems made it worse. Now, though, I still hate dealing with noise issues, but I do find a ton of solace in the visual side of sensory processing. My noise issues have not (and I am pretty sure never will be) improved, but the impact is somewhat mitigated with the positive I get from visuals. A year ago, I would have given anything to be able to process noise properly. That is no longer the case. I fear that if I were able to process noise properly, I would also lose that bliss since if I processed sound properly, I would also process images properly. No thank you!