For the first time in I do not know how long, I feel a sense of peace. A quiet blanket envelops my mind. This is the biggest impact on my well-being since my breakdown. Previously, whenever I would complain about noises, so many people would recommend headphones. I would not listen. If I wore headphones in my home, that would not be “normal” especially as I live alone. So my self-mask would not allow me even to try headphones. I made up all kinds of excuses, which while technically true, only served to allow the self-mask to continue controlling me.
I do not like loud. Well, sometimes I like loud colors but that is pretty much the extent, and not all that common. This was my true primary issue with headphones. I did occasionally try just regular headphones but unless they were ungodly loud, they only served to, at best, muffle the outside world, especially in between songs or quiet parts. My self-mask would just gloat, pointing out that not only did it not work but that I looked silly sitting on my couch with headphones dangling from my phone, computer, or stretched across to the TV.
Not liking loud noises also precluded any effective use of a sound machine. While I did discover that I can tolerate brown noise (white noise, despite its popularity is anathema to me; it is as bad or worse than any mechanical noise), it would require me to have too loud to be effective. This would also then force me to have the volume of whatever media I was consuming at a similarly loud level. So, then I would not only have issues with the loudness in general, I felt like I was possibly going to disturb neighbors. Since I loathe when neighbors play their stuff loud, I do not want to be a hypocrite and do so myself.
Ignoring the self-mask (which although has fallen away, still exists as a niggling little prick voice in the back of my mind), I decided to give actual noise canceling headphones a try. I could not believe how expensive they are. But I figured that since this was my first foray, I might as well get the best that I could find. If they did not work for me, it would not work for me, rather than getting a cheaper version that may not work for me just because they were lower quality. (I do have work-supplied noise canceling headphones, but they do not work for me at all.) When they arrived, I put them on. Immediately tears filled my eyes. They worked.
My mind was so calm; I felt so peaceful. For the most part, the only noise entering my brain was what I wanted to hear. I did not hear the refrigerator humming. I did not hear the neighbor’s shower echoing through the pipes. My body did not tense up as someone started their car and left it idling. I was alone. This was the noise paradox that I now know was causing me so much internal strife: I knew I was alone in my apartment, but hearing all the noises made it feel like I was not. Every sound was an intrusion. Every sound stopped me from just being in my own head. Every sound was an unwelcome visitor in my quiet space. Quiet space that I truly had no idea I so desperately needed.
They are not perfect. I would love to be able to sit in just absolute quiet (not always, I do want and enjoy music and other media) but they do not provide that. There is some noise that sort of leaks in, but that is not the issue. The issue is that they feel kind of weird when there is nothing playing through them. I do not think it is that weird pressure thing many complain about with active noise canceling headphones. I am not sure what it is. However, when I play something, be it music or even just some bird song, it is incredible. I was expecting the pressure to be uncomfortable or the sound to still penetrate, just slightly different as if I were underwater but that is not the case.
I can hear them squeaking a bit against my head, especially against my glasses if I wear them. I can hear them creaking a bit as I move. But those are so very minor compared to how I was before. With my phone and my laptop, the audio syncs up perfectly but with my TV, there is a slight latency that is very annoying. When I wear my glasses, they fit differently so it is like I need to re-learn where and how to look to avoid eyestrain. Again, small price that I am willing to pay. I cannot overstate the impact the headphones have had in even just the short time I have had them. I truly feel peace. Wearing them allows me to actual charge my battery so I can deal with my challenges without melting down so quickly.
While I am wearing them, I not only feel alone (in a good way, not in a lonely kind of way), but I also just feel really good. My sensory issues have always been problematic, especially sound. The worst part of sound intrusions is that I had no control over them. I do not know when the neighbors will shower, nor can I reasonably ask that they not do so. All of the other senses, I can limit the bad inputs, for the most part. But noises were such a bane. Now, however, I have a modicum of control. With the headphones, the average sound pressure I am putting on my ears is ~50 dB, which is significantly less than even normal conversation at about 60 dB. I can now put myself in a position where I am not bombarded with sensory nonsense that my brain just cannot process properly. I can now find moments to relax. Moments to recharge. Before, it was just constantly draining. I was in a perpetual state of sensory overload, on a razor’s edge to meltdown or worse. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate my self-mask?