I remember when I was a child, I was always told that I was very mature. I never gave it much thought at the time, but looking back, it was not only incredibly insulting (I will explain) but it was also wrong. I was not “mature” for whatever that means. I was quiet. I was isolated. I was lonely. But I did not cry. I did not act out. I remained publicly stoic. I remained privately a child longing to grow up and learn how to be in the world. I was not mature. I was Autistic and I was wearing a mask.
From a young age, I masked, and it must have been an incredibly young age as I have absolutely no memories of acting out or being aware that I was masking. I do have some memories that do show that the Autism was peeking through, but that was tamped down, I guess. The mask fooled everyone, including myself. It is both ironic and insulting that my mask’s ability to remain quiet, to suppress practically all stimming, to remain mature, is what caused so much pain for so long. No one that commented on my maturity knew a damn thing about me. They did not know I was mature. They knew I was quiet. How quiet equates to mature, I will never know. I just know it is insulting.
As I go through my unmasking, I am learning that I really am child-like often. Particularly when I am happy. Granted, I was never happy before the self-mask fell, so I never knew it. It is a strange feeling but when I am happy, I get filled with a sense of wonder and awe. When my mood is good, my battery is fully charged, my stimming completely unsuppressed, everything seems brighter. Better. I do not feel mature, in any way. Of course, it makes me wonder if that is just how I am or if I am sort of going through a new maturation process. I feel like I never really grew up. Since I was the “mature” one, no one ever bothered to check on me. No one ever bothered to teach me. Being charitable, you could say that everyone assumed the “mature” kid already had their shit together so there was no need to provide help or guidance. (I, admittedly, did not help that, as a phrase I often said growing up was “I know” and often I did know, but that was only about facts and things of the world. I never said I know how to survive in the social world.)
For almost the entire time since my breakdown, I have been very concerned about why the hell I did what I did to myself. Or was it done to me? But then I learned that Autistic children show signs of masking as toddlers. They apparently are very mature and can pick up how adults treat them differently when they “act Autistic” so they mask. So I masked (I assume). Again, being charitable (which for the most part, I definitely am not when it comes to my self-mask), perhaps my self-mask just carried that on, thinking that if I did not allow myself ever to “act Autistic” then it would be easier to mask, maybe I would become the mask if I never knew it was a mask.
That did not and does not happen. Masking does absolutely nothing to help an Autistic person. The only thing a mask does is help neurotypicals not be uncomfortable. Yes, we, as Autistics, can have an easier time dealing with the neurotypical world when masking. We do not have to deal with the sidelong glances, the whispers in the corner. But. The price. The price is so high. Not only does it take all of that energy and concentration to maintain the mask, but it also keeps us from being our true authentic selves. Telling yourself that how you are is not acceptable to world is so damaging. It is staggering that something like that needs to be said. Navigating through the neurotypical world without the questions, the glances, the whispers is not worth sacrificing ourselves to achieve that.
That theory that my self-mask was trying to help is probably true. After all, how many parents try to encourage (even if low-key) their Autistic children to mask? How many friends give the advice, “Be less you.”? I have even seen Autistic people teach masking techniques to other Autistic people. So it is possible that I put the self-mask on in a misguided, completely pear-shaped attempt to help. It saddens me though. The goal should not be how to become unobtrusive in the neurotypical world. Society does not belong to neurotypicals. Society belongs to humans. We are humans. We should not have to suffer or hide. We should be able to be our selves. Yes, of course, everyone has to act appropriately in situations. That is not the same as masking. Masking is pretending that you are someone that you are not. Masking makes you look mature. Masking keeps you from feeling the wonder of a child. Fuck masking.