Masking is absolutely one of the worst things I must go through. It took me a long time to even realize that I was masking since I was masking even to myself. I understand that may sound a bit bizarre, but neurotypicals hide their truths from themselves all the time. My case may have been extreme, but I do not believe all that unusual. Growing up, I knew I was different, but the awareness of Autism was very limited so I had no idea. My self-mask was not even something that was intentional. Though it is possible that I just do not remember. I assume that it developed because when I was myself, it caused problems for others so instead of causing that distress to others, I kept myself at bay. I did not realize how much damage I was doing to myself.
It took a very long time for my self-mask to finally fall away. I knew I was different and that, in my head, I did all sorts of things that I could not allow myself to actually do. Though, again, that method of preventing myself from doing those things was just something that happened and not a plan. The worst part of the self-mask was that it was not just about preventing people from seeing the negative parts of how I am (the bluntness, the irritation, etc.), but it also blocked positive aspects. For example, before my breakdown, in my head, if I was very happy or if a song was particularly catchy, I would dance. Dance is not really the correct word. It was more just dance-like movement. It was not something that was done to the music, or on the beat, it was just moving. (Though I acknowledge, it could just be that I am a bad dancer and dance-like moves are the best I can do.) But now, I absolutely allow myself to do whatever dance-like movements I feel like doing. It is so liberating. On the other hand, it is infuriating that I stopped myself from just enjoying and I definitely have to find a way to forgive myself.
It is difficult though to forgive myself because I see now how debilitating it was to lock myself away. I am not, nor have ever been, catatonic, but I have been pretty close, when I was alone. Not only did my self-mask prevent me from experiencing pleasure in a true, uninhibited way, but it also continues to make me question myself. Of course, I knew I danced in my head, and I would at times, wish I could just do so. But the self-mask lied to me. The self-mask told me that people who exhibited stimming behaviors had something wrong with them and they would not be accepted. But at the same time, I was so jealous. I did not realize how desperately I wanted to break out. I have mostly come to accept that whether it is negative or positive, it is necessary to allow myself to recede into a corner to escape sounds or make dance-like movements (when I am by myself, I think I still have a long way to go before I allow my public mask to drop enough to do such things in front of others).
In the immediate aftermath of my breakdown, though, my self-mask kept trying to reassert itself. I told myself that the breakdown did not liberate myself from the self-mask. In fact, the opposite. I would question whether I was simply going crazy. I would tell myself that I was not free to allow emotions to be expressed, that the breakdown was not a liberating experience. When I did dance-like movements, I was not being myself. The self-mask wanted to come back so tried to make the case that I was doing things that were proof there was something wrong with me. But there was not something wrong with me. There is something wrong with the way society makes neurodiverse people hide their true selves. One of the biggest things I need to work on is finding people that accept me for me rather than trying to turn myself into someone that people can accept. I will always need to mask in certain situations but it is so freeing allowing myself to be me without any mask. If I want to make dance-like movements, I can make dance-like movements. If I want to cry, I can cry. If I want to clap, I can clap. If I want to curl up in a ball, I can curl up in a ball. Someday, I hope to find people in my life that I can feel comfortable enough to drop the mask completely when I am around them. I have definitely gotten better at allowing some aspects of me to not be hidden but I have a long way to go. But at least I now can allow myself to be myself with myself. That was a giant first step and one that I am so grateful I was finally able to take that step. (I will save an ABA rant for another time, but briefly, what I did to myself with the self-mask was effectively ABA. I forced myself to alter my behavior. I can tell you, that is not only not a long-term solution, but it is also very, very hurtful. Go back and read this while replacing “self-mask” with “my ABA therapist” and you will see how wrong ABA is. What I did with my self-mask was torture. So is ABA.)