As I have mentioned, I am self-diagnosed as Autistic. How confident am I? I rarely use absolutes, but I am absolutely sure that I am Autistic. (I am mostly sure that I would be diagnosed by a professional, but that is another topic.) My journey to self-diagnosis was not straight and definitely not linear, sort of like the Autistic spectrum itself. I had absolutely no idea I was Autistic while I was growing up; I only knew that I was fundamentally different than everyone I knew. Everyone. I know that Autism is genetic, but I do not believe that either of my parents are Autistic. I only knew my two grandmothers and I do not believe they were either. I never met either of my grandfathers so it is possible that is where I got it from. Or I just got lucky with the genetic mix and match. Does not matter. I am Autistic.
I am fortunate that I have relatively low care needs. I am able to work. I am able to live on my own. The downside to having low care needs is that I received absolutely no support for the things I do need help with. That is the primary reason why I believe I developed my self-mask. If others were not going to support me, I must have thought it best to support myself. I was wrong. The self-mask was definitely not a way to support myself, much less a good way. Nonetheless, because of my low care needs and my masking, I had no clue what I was (other than constantly uncomfortable and often hiding my distress).
The first time I had a tiny inkling was when I found out about Kim Peeks, the man behind Rain Man. (I do not want to get into how that movie was or is seen by the Autistic community.) When Dustin Hoffman portrayed a meltdown, it reminded me of how I sometimes was, in my head (see the Self-Mask post for more about how I locked everything inside). I also related to the need for schedules and consistency. But when I looked deeper into Kim Peeks himself, the differences seemed to outweigh the similarities. So, I pushed it aside. The next brush came with Temple Grandin. I knew about her and somewhere in the back of my brain, there was a tug. However, not much of what I learned (which was admittedly not much), really resonated with me. Granted part of that was simply the title, Thinking in Pictures, as I definitely do not think in pictures.
Then in 2007 or 2008, I read John Elder Robison’s book, Look Me in the Eye. At first, it made me very emotional because a lot of what he said did resonate with me. But again, there were, what I thought were, major differences. Even though I was getting closer, I still did not think I had Autism. I thought I was too different from Robison for Autism to be the right diagnosis. What I did not know, or think of, was the diversity in the experience of Autistic people. Like many neurotypicals, I had assumed that Autism had specific criteria and people that had it would be pretty similar. I was completely wrong. If you are unsure whether you could be Autistic, focus on the similarities, not the differences. Please do not make the mistake I did.
Even though I sort of dismissed the possibility that I was Autistic, I did start to think that the ones who had started opening my eyes: Kim Peeks, Temple Grandin, John Elder Robison, all were very different. That is when I slowly started to realize I was just wrong when I expected Autism to present similarly across the population. That combined with my failed effort to find anything else that explained my brain, made me continue to look into Autism.
Out of that void, there arose the final source needed. YouTube. Of course, there are tons of amazing content created by people on the spectrum. Many that I do not even remember, not because they did not have an impact on me because they certainly did. I feel terrible that I cannot remember, but it was a whirlwind as I discovered what I was. I am reticent to call any out since I know the list would be incomplete but I do want to share three that I do remember: Purple Ella, Paige Layle, and Orion Kelly. Oddly enough, I found Orion after my breakdown so I was already sure I was Autistic, but he says so many things that truly resonate with me (which really makes me wonder what would have happened if I had found him first). But all three were very instrumental in providing me peace and each inspirational in helping me come to grips with my brain. (Not that that process is remotely finished, but they gave me the strength to “come out” about my Autism.)
While those are the people that brought me here, now that I know (and can admit) that I am Autistic, I have been able to find others to help me along my path. After my breakdown, I sought therapy. I have not yet found the individual therapist that I think I will need, but I have found helpful people. The first therapist that I tried (who was really good, just did not have the experience or knowledge of Autism that I need) hooked me up with a neurodiverse group that his colleague runs. That group has been extremely helpful in my coming to grips with my Autism. Then the next therapist encouraged me to join up with a meetup.com group which has also been beneficial.
In the end, though, I now know that I am Autistic. I will always have challenges and need to learn a lot about how best to cope, but I cannot even begin to explain the comfort that came with my self-diagnosis. I know some need an official diagnosis, while others do not. Whatever path is right for you is the correct way. The thing that matters is learning and accepting why your brain is the way it is. If you are also Autistic, I hope that my journey can provide some guideposts. Do not give up. Stay on your path and find your truth.